Yes i haven’t posted in 4 months. No, I haven’t lost interest but rather I have lost inspiration. If someone told me that right when Gr. 12 comes around I will incessantly stress over school, university and life, I seriously wouldn’t have taken this path. What path? Path of stress, unnecessary paranoia and isolation. Ok I’m probably drawing this out a little more dramatic than it should be but the point is, I honestly feel really lost. Call it an existential crisis, if you will. Call it “tumblr” if you will. But to be trite, I don’t know what I’m doing with my life right now. In fact, I don’t understand why I’m allowing myself to fall into this cycle of pointlessness.
The problem is…
I have so many questions that probably no one can answer because we have all been leading life oblivious to these questions. We have categorized and created meaning out of life from things that virtually have no meaning.
This morning, while studying, my dad walked in and started badgering about university and how Im not taking things into my own hands. He said I should have finished my SAT essay by now, talked to my counselors about post-secondary, taken biology during summer school because “easy marks” by this point of time. He also went through a slew of careers that I could pursue due to “scope” even though I have explicitly stated that they don’t interest me and that I have other passions. Mind you, my passions aren’t anything “rebellious”, it’s just a science (academic chem) that’s not the most yielding in terms of pecuniary value. Yet, he rambles about artificial intelligence and software engineering in hopes to change my mind.
My question is: So what if I do software engineering and get a good job? So what if I have all the money in the world? Does that mean I’m successful?
By doing software engineering in a reputable university, it doesn’t mean that I am making anything out of my life. The only difference between software engineer me and high school me would be the mere label. We have constructed since day one that the meaning of life is studying hard, getting into a good university and getting a good job. But what happens after that? We get old, and then impose the same values in our kids. It’s an infinite cycle of pointlessness. At the end of the day, there is never a feeling of accomplishment but rather regret and rancor.
Yes, I admit that I wanted to take my SATs and go to the US and study in a prestigious university. That has been my aspiration since middle school. Last year, I went through a phase of self doubt. I thought:
I’m not a genius. I haven’t done anything extraordinary. I just do above average on (most) courses. That doesn’t make me in any way eligible to study in a good university.
This year, it’s a phase of self-understanding. My thought process is this: if I do get into an amazing university as an engineer, I just add to the legions of engineers in the world. That’s all. That’s all. I’m still the same person except now when people ask me, I can self-righteously say I’m an engineer. Because I’m going to let a meaningless career define my identity. Sigh.
This is a really ineffable topic to write about because it’s hard to explain the inner gut feelings and the epiphanies that you go through. The epiphanies that send a shiver down your spine in apprehension. But when you try to share this trepidation with someone else, they wont understand you because they pursue their lives oblivious to these realizations. They follow this scripted formula and consider deviations as being “rebellious”.
This morning after my dad left the room, I had a sudden mental breakdown and started crying and screaming at the wall as if my dad was there and that I was getting everything off my chest. This post still feels a little incomplete because I had a lot more things I wanted to say but I’m just finding it difficult to put these thoughts to words.
Also, engineering was just an example. If you want to be an engineer, more power to you. I’m just citing an example where society puts certain values on a pedestal when in reality they are values constructed without meaning.
ON A LIGHTER NOTE lol…. I have decided to pick this blog back up and start posting once again. I have also decided to change the theme of my blog and make it more comprehensive so that I don’t restricted/guilty when I post irrelevant rants like this lol. I’ll still be occasionally posting some beauty stuff. I should be doing some pointless (reiterating my point) stuff for school, but now writing this blog post has made me realize the power of words. The power of writing as a medium of expression. It’s power to alleviate even your deepest, abstract fears…
Not the horseshit writing you do for school that follows the formula someone else laid out for you.
Also, this song is quite appropriate rn : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P3dmlgg3ZDY